Jump Starting the Universe Book Bundle Page 2

  “You really pulled them in today,” joked the bartender who had just seemed to notice how straight Blackie’s shoulders were. Buster hadn’t mentioned their fee was based on attendance, a fact that made little difference really, but the bartender thought it was amusing.

  Blackie looked at the positive side, “Hey, we started with seven people in the bar and ended with twelve, that’s a 71 percent increase - not bad.”

  Wayne looked mutinous, “Six of the seven people left just after we started playing and a group of eleven came in just before we finished.”

  “So right,” said Mark, “but they came IN didn’t they.”

  Wayne had that apoplectic look he got when something was about to be thrown or verbally abused (remember the deer/antelope). “They were lost Mark; they stopped in for directions didn’t they.”

  The bar man chuckled in a way that was faintly familiar to Blackie.

  “Maybe so,” Mark allowed as he looked across the room at the pretty girl who had stayed to the bitter end. Lifting his drink left-handed he continued, “But, we can post that the crowd swelled 70 percent during our performance.”

  Wayne looked exactly like you might think he would. The bartender chuckled again. Blackie was impressed that Mark had calculated the correct percent in his head, and then tried to figure out where he had heard that chuckle before. Buster was busy trying to convince the manager he should have the band in again, next time with some advertising, including that bit about the crowd swelling.

  “Don’t wait until we’re completely booked-up,” said Buster, “we’re on a roll.” The bartender chuckled again and the manager agreed to have them back.

  “Good theatre,” murmured the bartender.

  “Let’s pack up,” said Wayne. Mark was now sitting at the pretty girl’s table. None of the crowd asked when they were playing again; turns out they really were just tourists passing through. At that moment, someone came through the front door. She hesitated, and then walked over to Wayne.

  “Excuse me” she said, “when does the band play.”

  “We’ve only just finished,” said Wayne who then looked up from his bass amplifier and proceeded to be completely mesmerized.

  She was absolutely beautiful with long, dark hair tumbling in soft waves down her back. Tall and lithe like an athlete, she had dark penetrating eyes that pierced you like a knife. Her skin was beyond perfect. But there didn’t seem to be anything haughty or pretentious in her manner. She was simply beautiful and charming. Wayne went stupid. He couldn’t think, he couldn’t talk, he couldn’t move, which was simply not like Wayne.

  “Any chance you will be playing here again,” she asked. The fog penetrating Wayne’s brain fought to maintain its control. Wayne blinked and the fog lifted.

  “We hope to play here again next week,” he said, pointing to Buster who was now begging the manager for a third booking.

  “It’s not like it cost you a wad of C-notes is it,” said Buster. The manager considered the fact that he was only obligated to pay the band a small amount, slightly less it turned out than the cost of gasoline the Nomad burned to drive to his bar. He signed the band for another two gigs with a promise to actually advertise next time.

  “Don’t forget that crowd swelling bit,” said Buster. The manager agreed. The bartender chuckled.

  CHAPTER THREE

  CROSSING TO ALPHUS NEBULUM

  Owing to the fact that budging scoots things together that were previously farther apart, it should be obvious that things “budged-up” are way closer than things that are not budged. How much closer depends on context as you might expect. If you had low expectations, we’ll carry on in hopes of accidental enlightenment.

  The time to travel between budged-up things is less than the time to travel between the “unbudged,” assuming the same rate of travel of course. Rather than walk around the house to the backyard, why not just walk through the back door? Accidentally enlightened? No? We press on.

  Let’s say you were planning a trip to Alphus Nebulum. You certainly aren’t going to walk there are you? Next option, since Alphus Nebulum is 42.689 light years and some change from Earth (we should consent to just call it Terra Bulga and be done with it) it will take you some enormous amount of time to arrive; shall we say a very long time even at 186,282 miles per second.

  Unless you are one of “those” people who just love to drive, how about a clever option. Share a little space with Alphus Nebulum. That’s right, share a little space and walk right out the back door into Alphus Nebulum. You won’t enjoy the drive, but think of all the fossil fuel energy you’ll be saving. Maybe you can take a drive when you get there, if they don’t impound your ride.

  *******************************************

  “It’s going to storm” remarked Buster. “I think it’s going to storm or hail or something.”

  It wasn’t like Buster to notice such things. He didn’t care about weather and literally no one had ever heard him go on like this; it was two or three whole sentences. Apparently, that’s what got Mark’s attention. He looked at the sky outside quickly so as not to avert his attention from the girl across the table too long, “What makes you say that?” Mark asked as he turned back to the table and picked up his drink.

  “Well, look at it out there, the sky is all contorted,” replied Buster.

  Wayne looked out the window at part of the sky that looked like it was boiling. He reached down for his bass amplifier and said, “Maybe we should load before it goes bad.”

  “I could help,” said Amelia as she reached down and picked up a notebook and set list.

  “Yeah, okay, great,” said Wayne. Mark excused himself before making plans for dinner and grabbed his amplifier with his left hand. Blackie had noticed the boiling clouds before Buster’s improbable comment and was already out the back door with the kick drum. In went the amps, drums, and assorted paraphernalia for noise, and music.

  “It looks really green; like it’s going to hail” remarked Amelia. Then it happened.

  The budge occurred right then, and a little sliver of the parking lot behind the bar became very green. Unnaturally greenish. Not hail storm green, but an odd unnatural green, if you understand the drift. The yellow sunshine had gone, the blue sky had gone, there was no storm, there was just that greenish tint like when certain blue and yellow water colored pie charts overlap. It lingered in the air like smoke billowing from a firecracker that exploded on the ground, and then, the green was gone. So was the bar.

  “Hey, that’s not right” said Mark. “Something’s not right.” Right he was. The budge receded as they are all inclined to do, the overlap disappeared, and the temporarily distorted parallel planes were parallel once again, as they prefer to be. The not right part was this – Blackie, Wayne, Mark, and Amelia, and the Nomad full of equipment were on the wrong side.

  Well, not wrong side as in the bad side, but the wrong side as in the incorrect side. Incorrect, except in the unlikely possibility of a bigger plan of which they were completely unaware; a state humans often find themselves in, and characteristically accept with utter acceptance. Suffice it to say, they were on the side where the bar and Buster were not. A shame really as it was a nice bar.

  Celestial context put them smack dab in the middle of a high plain on Alphus Nebulum, although for a very short time they didn’t know they were no longer on Terra Bulga.

  “Something is not right,” said Amelia.

  “I said that already,” replied Mark, “where is the bar?”

  “No, I mean really not right,” said Amelia,” look up.”

  “Yeah, the evening sky is beautiful,” remarked Blackie “but…his sentence trailed off to silence.

  “Exactly,” said Amelia.

  “Exactly what?” said Wayne and Mark at the same time.

  Looking up at the sky, Blackie’s face scrunched up as if trying to see something that wasn’t there,” then he said, “The stars are wrong.”

  “What does that mea
n, the stars are wrong?” said Wayne who appeared on the verge of needing to swear.

  “No way,” Mark chimed, but after a moment of starring at the sky he said, “They’re right Wayne. Remember that album cover of mine with the stars on it, those aren’t the right stars. Those stars are definitely not the right stars.”

  Astronomy was not Mark’s forté, but he had been mesmerized for countless hours by that vinyl album cover, whose images were printed to look three dimensional. He was sure of one thing. The stars overhead were not album cover stars. Wayne kept looking up, and Mark could feel it coming, he had known Wayne for a long time.

  “Now just a blasted minute. How can the stars be wrong? Stars CANNOT be wrong.”

  “Wayne, said Mark, “they are wrong, they’re not in the right place and look no ice cream dipper.”

  “Big dipper,” offered Amelia.

  “By the way, who are you?” Mark said looking at Amelia.

  “Oh yes, sorry, I’m Amelia, I was just helping Wayne stow some band stuff when it went all greenish.”

  Everyone was completely perplexed. Blackie was looking up, and lightly tapping out one of two beats he knew on the fender of the Nomad, completely oblivious to how much it annoyed almost everyone; the exception being Blackie.

  “Wayne, I’m sorry but we are not in the bar parking lot, in fact we are nowhere near it,” Amelia said softly.

  “How can you know that?”

  “Well,” she said slowly, hoping that Wayne had cooled slightly, “I am studying astronomy, working on my PhD actually, in math, physics, and astronomy and the star pattern above us is not visible from the bar parking lot this time of year.”

  “You had better tell them the rest,” urged Blackie who looked at Amelia knowingly.

  “The rest of what?” said Mark.

  “Well,” she said again slowly, “this star pattern is not visible from…from,” she hesitated, Blackie nodded.

  “From anywhere on Earth,” finished Amelia.

  Dead silence. Completely void of expletives or any other words for that matter.

  “Any idea how this happened?” commented Blackie casually as he looked at Amelia.

  “Any idea how we get back?” said Mark watching Wayne.

  “No, none.”

  “Hi Amelia, I’m Blackie.”

  “I’m Mark,” I guess you’ve met Wayne.

  Amelia nodded.

  CHAPTER FOUR

  THE GIGGLEY

  Have you ever had that giggley kind of feeling? Well of course you have. Everyone has them, but not many people recognize them for what they really are. You see, when two sets of something occupy the same location in space and time it results in a Giggley. No idea? Well let’s continue and press the matter, shall we?

  Giggley was first defined by Parathelsey when he concluded that the symptoms he felt were not the lack of Extra Dry Centon Lovian Draught, at least on that occasion. Although he suspected the effects of draught insufficiency were similar if not identical, at one pristine moment in time, when Parathelsey had not imbibed four quaffs of Extra Dry Centon Lovian in the last 39 some odd minutes, as was his custom, he had a Giggley.

  “What was that?” he thought. What indeed! After some investigation of the typical suspects and paranormal activities, he concluded that the symptom must be natural and physical in nature, and the Desredeedese Shades had nothing to do with it. They typically get blamed for everything.

  Parathelsey absolutely dedicated himself to discovering the cause of his symptoms. So much so that he purposely began to delay drinking four quaffs of his beloved Extra Dry Centon Lovian Draught for over 39 minutes at a time. The effects were terrible. It was much like achieving a very bad hangover while using one of those old vibrating exercise belt machines, except in reverse. The physical price he paid for this research was terrible, simply terrible. But, after much painstaking endeavor, Parathelsey finalized his theory regarding the Giggley.

  No one actually claims to understand the theory (well except Einstein of course who pulled a walk-about to visit Parathelsey during one of his experiments, you remember the one - it lasted 42 MINUTES). I will describe the theory like this. Item A exists in Dimension 42B.601W while Item B occupies space in Dimension 612C.711S. As you know dimensions are almost innumerable and coexist adjacent to each other, overlapping each other, extending through, around, beside, and within each other, and in every other way imaginable associated with each other. Dimensions are like the spaghetti at your favorite Italian café; all entwined and cozy.

  For the sake of discussion let’s say Item A and Item B are thrust into the same time and space, as dimensions may sometime want to do. Well, not to worry, there is plenty of space in there, so all of the subatomic particles in Item A budge-up and make room for the subatomic particles of Item B so that the Items occupy the exact same location in space and time.

  Now, when the budge-up occurs, there is a slight shiver in the Omni-dimensional fabric of time and space to accommodate the extra load. Ta Da! That shiver is theoretically the Giggley. Simple, isn’t it? Parathelsey went on to theorize that two occurrences may result in a Giggley. These included the random co-occupation of the same location in space and time by objects in two separate dimensions. He experienced that and first thought it was the effect of withdrawal from that wonderful Draught.

  The second occurrence that led to a giggley was theoretically a mixing zone, caused by the budging-up of two parallel planes of existence which subsequently “leak” into one another. Neither of these theoretical occurrences are catastrophic. But if a portal were to be opened between two dimensions, that could have serious consequences.

  *********************************************

  “Don’t you think this is a little dream-like, or stupid?” asked Wayne. “Take your pick.”

  “Well I might suggest improbable,” remarked Amelia.

  “Yeah what are the odds” said Mark.

  “The odds of what exactly?” interjected Wayne hotly, “we don’t have any idea what happened so how would you conclude odds?”

  “Well, it was just a comment wasn’t it, not a request for a calculation - you know, what are the odds – just an innocent comment.”

  Blackie snorted, Wayne didn’t look any different, but everyone else laughed and that helped alleviate some of the tension. That helped a lot, except that in the back of their minds everyone was mulling over Wayne’s comment – we don’t have any idea what happened, not to mention where is here.

  “Maybe it’s time for a drive?” said Wayne, “It might be good to look for some kind of city or shelter or something since its dark.”

  They looked out over a plain before them. In the distance were low mountains set against the sky like they were impossibly far away. Everyone piled into the Nomad as if they were off to another gig. Wayne drove, Amelia sat cramped between Wayne and Mark. Blackie sat in the back, way in the back.

  Crazy as it seems, after leaving the escarpment they immediately found a road and after a three-minute drive it dead-ended into a larger road. The sky was turning a brilliant shade of magenta. “You don’t see that very often do you” yelled Blackie from the back of the Nomad.

  “Any ideas on which way to go?” Wayne asked everyone.

  “Fifty-fifty odds,” said Mark.

  When in doubt always turn right. A scientific fact known to most living creatures in all the dimensions of all the universes indicates virtually all species in all the known dimensions of the universes are influenced ever-so slightly, although some more than others due to proximity, by the Caterinian effect. The Caterinian effect is caused when Caterinia, a very, very large planet in Dimension 16T7788.7721, without any warning stops its gyrating rotation, grinds to almost an immediate halt (although an Acrinoid scientist says it takes exactly 0.0007821 picoseconds) and instantly (or another 0.0007821 picoseconds according to Tiflict) begins to spin the opposite direction.

  Apparently, and I don’t know how this is apparent, the inner and ou
ter layers shear apart during the incessant starting and stopping. The inner layer continues for quite some time in its original direction of rotation (something about things in motion staying in motion) while the outer layer inexplicably reverses. Eventually, the inner layer slows, stops, and joins the outer layer in the direction it is rotating and the whole process starts again.

  Well the gravity field produced by that counter-spinning phase is tremendous, isn’t it? And because Caterinia is located so far out in the Solician Fields of Moray, virtually everything everywhere is pulled that direction. The gigantic magnetic field pulls ever so slightly on all living creatures and therefore, they are prone to turn right. Mark would have turned left. He’s left handed.

  It should be noted that Caterinia is no longer populated. Caterinian women got so sick of their office furniture and home furnishings being flung across to the other side of the room, not to mention themselves, that they all voted to leave. They set up residence on Ipiniechia, a splendid little planet with no stopping and starting. The men on Caterinia staunchly refused to leave. They stayed just long enough to get tired of fishing and sporting events. Eventually they voted to join their women folk on Ipiniechia where most of them immediately went fishing. Some things in the universes of all the dimensions are fascinatingly similar don’t you think?

  Fortunately, Wayne had filled the Nomad with fuel before the gig on Earth. With Wayne driving furiously they made their way down the road about 15 minutes sitting in silence. Then, without warning, Mark exclaimed, “I was going to have dinner with that girl at the bar.”

  Everyone was quiet for a moment, then Wayne said, “Well Romeo, I’m sure she is waiting for you to come inside and whisk her off to the Burger Barn.” Everyone laughed; most of all Mark.

  From his lodging in the back, Blackie said hoarsely, “Has anyone noticed the roads are paved with quartz? Odd don’t you think, quartz?” The Nomad eased over the top of a long rise and voila there was a small city.